Sunday, April 16, 2006

Still More Grudge Matches I'd Like To See

1. Susie Derkins vs. Lucy Van Pelt.
Scenario: Susie Derkins, Calvin's nemesis from Calvin and Hobbes, vs. Lucy Van Pelt, Charlie Brown's nemesis (and therapist) from Peanuts. Which tough comic-strip gal will win this fight? And can Lucy accomplish anything against an opponent who won't fall for the old football trick?

2. Hippies vs. Yuppies.
Scenario: An all-out war between Hippies, who represent everything that sucked about the '60s, and Yuppies, who represent all that was horrible about the '80s. The winning group gets to battle for dominance of our own dismal decade. Who wins, the army with the bongs or the battalion with the briefcases?

3. Dr. Bellows vs. Gladys Kravitz.
Scenario: In honour of the '60s sitcom: Two sets of people move into houses across the street from Hogwarts Academy. Dr. Bellows (Hayden Rorke) and the General from I Dream of Jeannie, and Gladys Kravitz (Alice Pearce) and Abner Kravitz (George Tobias) from Bewitched. Dr. Bellows must try to convince the General that there's something strange going on at Hogwarts, and Gladys must try to convince Abner of the same. Which constantly-befuddled person can finally prove there's something going on?

4. Encyclopedia Brown vs. Veronica Mars.
Scenario: Flash back to the first season of "Veronica Mars." In this revised scenario, Veronica has competition in trying to solve the big mystery of who killed her friend: Another great kid detective, Encyclopedia Brown. Who solves the mystery first? Does it turn out that Bugs Meany is involved somehow? And can we turn to the back of the book and find out everything?

5. The Force vs. Fonzie's Cool.
Scenario: Luke Skywalker (with The Force) vs. Fonzie (with his Cool). Which is the more powerful cosmic force, The Force or The Cool?

6. USA vs. Freedonia.
Scenario: The United States of America invades Freedonia to remove its dictator Rufus T. Firefly and disarm its WMDS (Weapons of Mass Duck Soup). Does the U.S. win, or do Firefly and co. once again triumph despite being badly outnumbered?


Ivan G Shreve Jr said...

My picks:

Van Pelt over Derkins. (Like there was ever a chance the Luce would lose this one.)

Hippies over Yuppies. If the Yuppies ever got ahold of some really good grass--courtesy of the Hips--they'd mellow out faster than you can say "material goods."

Kravitz over Bellows. But only if it was the Alice Pearce Kravitz. (I like Sandy Gould, but Hayden Rorke would beat her like a red-headed stepchild.)

Veronica over Encyclopedia. Again, not much of a contest there.

The Force vs. Fonzie's Cool. Both of these would be beaten by a dark horse candidate...the Schwartz.

USA vs. Freedonia. Well, the USA would probably win--but I'd get more laughs from Freedonia's side of the conflict. (Besides, they've already paid a month's rent on the battlefield.)

Brent McKee said...

Van Pelt over Derkins - Susie's too much of a nice girl. Now Lucy vs. Calvin would be a battle for the ages.

Yuppies over Hippies - Scratch a Hippie and in most cases you find a latent Yuppie. I can't help being reminded of Grace Slick's comment "We are your grandparent's worst nightmare because we are your grandparents."

Dr Bellows over Glady Kravitz - Gladys in either incarnation could never get Abner to look out the window. Dr. Bellows has a slight advantage in that at least some of the time General Petersen experienced a "Jeannie" oddity.

Veronica over Encyclopedia Brown - I can give you a big explanation but in essence Brown's cognitve abilities haven't devloped as extensively as Veronica's.

Fonzie's Cool over The Force - In simple terms, Fonzie's Cool is a superpower, inherent to him and untransferable. The Force is a combination of mental discipline and pseudo-religion and can be disrupted by one with superior abilities or by personal weakness.

Freedonia over USA - Firefly smarter than Bush, Chico smarter than Rumsfeld, Harpo smarter and a better musician that Rice. USA superior in one area - Rove better aid than Zeppo. Freedonia has ultimate weapon - Margaret Dumont singing national anthem.

Anonymous said...

Can't believe I'm doing this...

Lucy in the first round, Hippies over Yuppies has already been fought (and both sides lost), Bellows has a chance because Gladys will never convince Abner of anything, Encyclopedia Brown shows up at the end and proves Veronica did it herself, the Force and the Cool are obviously allies and would never fight, Freedonia would really be invading the U.S.

And I, too, have waaaaaaaay too much time on my hands.

Anonymous said...

Derkins would own Lucy. Anyone can beat up on a blockhead like Charlie Brown, but to hold your own against Calvin's cunning and intellect, plus his tiger, one must have deadly instincts and a killer eye.

Hippies suck.