Monday, March 20, 2006

More Nessmania

More quotes from Les Nessman of "WKRP in Cincinnati," who has to be one of the most quotable TV characters of all time.

Most quotes courtesy of TV's Other 10 Percent.

LES: My great aunt Eureka Nessman lived in a house very like this once, all alone. She had a little parakeet and she used to let it fly free throughout the house.
LES: Then she bought another parakeet, and another, and more and more until finally there were thousands of parakeets. And the mess they made was beyond belief. Aunt Eureka had gone insane, of course, living all alone in a house very much like this one.

LES: When President Richard Milhous Nixon resigned, I led the news with that story. Looking back, I think I made the right decision.

LES: If the Beatles are the construct of modern music--and I use that word "construct" incorrectly--surely they were given birth to by Elvis Presley. A giant for sure, but the product of the black experience. Ergo--and I use that word correctly--blacks created modern music! Scratch an Allman Brother, and you have black. Scratch Billy Jo-ell, and you have Howling Wolf! I could go on, but my mother is in town. Let's just say that every white rock and roll musician working today should take half of his or her paycheck and mail it directly to Chuck Berry. At least that's what I think. And I won't even go into jazz. Arnold, enjoy your visit to the station. Venus, nice visiting with you too!

JOHNNY: I don't know, Les. What do women want?
LES: Tupperware.

LES (coaching Mr. Carlson before an election debate): The secret is to appear to answer all the questions when in truth it's all mumbo-jumbo. Here, let me show you. Herb, ask me this question.
[Les hands herb a card with a question written on it.]
HERB: Surely. "Mr. Candidate, what is your energy program?"
LES: Right now, I'm devoting a great deal of time and study to that problem. And I intend to issue a position paper on that. A position that is at once simple, yet complex. Flexible, and above all else, fair to every American.

LES: I've often thought about putting Mother into a home. Her apartment seems so large now, what with her getting smaller all the time.

LES: Mr. Carlson, I wanted to wish you a safe journey to Dayton.
MR. CARLSON: Thank you.
LES: Dayton is where Mother lives.
MR. CARLSON: I know, Les.
LES: Well, goodbye, Mr. Carlson, and beware the Dayton Poisoner.

HERB: When you hear "heart operation," what's the first thing that pops into your mind?
LES: Shogun.
HERB: What?
LES: Dr. Kildare was in it.

LES: Have you ever wondered why Russian women look like men?
BAILEY: I hadn't noticed.
LES: I think they kidnap men from all over the world, take them to Moscow, and turn them into Russian women. That's what I think happened to Jimmy Hoffa. By now he's probably a grandmother in the Ukraine.

LES: Last night I was feeling completely alone in the cosmos. An insignificant speck in the sandbox of time. Which is unusual for me, Johnny. I'm generally a pretty "up" fellow.
JOHNNY: I'll say.
LES: But I remembered what Mother Nessman said to do when frustrated, and so, I beat my rugs. Every night this week I've beaten my rugs. They're very clean.

(Jennifer is trying to tell Les that the woman he's dating is a hooker)
JENNIFER: Les, I'm talking about the oldest profession.
LES: Lorraine's a farmer?

STEEL: I like to think that a person's name says a lot about the type of person he is. What was your name again?
LES (after a pause): Les.

(During a tornado, the only emergency warning Les can find is about an impending Russian invasion, so he substitutes the word "tornado" for "Russian")
LES: The city of Cincinnati has just been attacked by the godless... tornadoes! Citizens are advised to arm themselves immediately! If you see a tornado in your area, please call 555-WKRP to keep us appraised of any enemy tornado movements.

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