Tuesday, January 08, 2008

Election Grudge Match: Mr. T vs. Chuck Norris

After all the candidates are forced to drop out of the race under mysterious circumstances, someone has to run for President of the United States. So America calls upon its two most admired and feared citizens to run as independent candidates for President.

On Election day, America can choose Chuck Norris or Mr. T. Who will become President? And who will they choose for their running mates?

I suspect that Chuck Norris is slightly more electable. His background as a Texas Ranger will get him an easy win in that state. While Mr. T doesn't have an obvious lock on a state: he'll be hated in Pennsylvania for having tried to beat their beloved Rocky, while California may be split between people he and the A-Team have helped and people whose homes or businesses have been trashed in the crossfire.

However, Mr. T's populist platform -- encouraging kids to stay in school, promoting healthy dietary habits (lots of milk) and promising to take down any and all crazy fools -- may prove more broadly appealing than Chuck Norris's interventionist foreign policy. He'll want to go around the world shooting at everybody, and Mr. T can point out that this is a fiscally irresponsible policy, while offering to sell his gold to pay down the national debt.

But I think in the end it comes down to attack ads. Both have extensive military experience, but Mr. T will be the target of attack ads from an organization funded by Colonel Decker. The ads will point out that T's combat experience ended when he was thrown in jail for allegedly robbing the bank of Hanoi. Plus he can be attacked by environmentalists for driving that gas-guzzling van. Chuck Norris, on the other hand, won't have any enemies running attack ads against him, because all his enemies are dead. So it's Chuck Norris, with Mr. T given the position of Secretary For Throwing People Helluva Far.

Finally, as to running mates, I think Chuck Norris should pick M. Emmet Walsh, while Mr. T should definitely select Murdock. (You might make a case for Face, but really, you don't want his seven zillion ex-girlfriends coming forward during the campaign.)

Who do you think will win the Toughest Election Ever?


Peter Lynn said...

I'd like to think there's enough backlash against the lame Chuck Norris jokes at this point that Mr. T would win. Then, I wanted to think that there was enough backlash against Bush in 2004 that Kerry would win. People are morons. Norris wins in a landslide.

Anonymous said...

Mr. T pities the fool, and Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Mr. T. in the face until you pity Mr. T.