Friday, December 02, 2005

Grudge Matches I'd Like To See: Clark Kent vs. Lois Lane on Fox News

When Rupert Murdoch buys the Daily Planet, he gives its two star reporters, Lois Lane and Clark Kent, a chance to audition for a spot in TV reporting. They will each get to host a show for a week on Fox News, and whoever is more popular will get to host their own Fox News show.

Will the show be "Lois Lane: Fair and Balanced?" Or will it be "Clark Kent Reports: You Decide?" Who will be a bigger hit on Fox News?

Clark has two advantages: he frequently beat Lois out for stories (in the '30s comics anyway), and he is more adept at lying through his teeth. A guy who can fool everyone into not noticing that he's just Superman with glasses should have little trouble reading talking points off a teleprompter. Besides which, his familiarity with essentially meaningless catchphrases like "up, up and away" will help him recide more meaningless catchphrases ("Criminalization of politics," etc).

However, Clark is probably too mild-mannered for today's cable news. Lois, as a good-looking, loudmouthed, obnoxious person, is what most cable news networks are looking for. And Lois's barely-concealed RAGE (tm) at being scooped by Clark all the time will project well on Fox News. Clark seems too happy with the Daily Planet's reporting, which will convince the audience that he is a representative of the Liberal Media (tm). Lois will pound Clark when it comes to shouting down her guests; they will be like a bunch of Jimmy Olsens to her.

And finally, if it comes out that Clark is in fact an illegal alien, he won't have a prayer with a substantial segment of the audience.

Conclusion: a win for Lois, and another reason not to watch cable news.

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