Grudge Match: Mr. T vs. the Rest of the A-Team

B.A. Baracus, aka Mr. T, has decided that he's had enough of those crazy fools drugging him and putting him on planes. He decides to throw all his former teammates "helluva far" and go back to fulfil his dream of working as a doctor.



Mr. T is the toughest member of the A-Team, and has proven that he can take any one of them in a fight. But what happens when he goes up against Face, Hannibal and Murdock (and possibly Amy if you want to count her) as a team? Can he beat all of them, or do they once again find a way to knock him out and put him on a plane?



It's difficult to know who will win, but it's not difficult to predict that Face will be the first to get beaten up.

Grudge Match: Hunter & McCall vs. Mulder & Scully

It's the '80s meets the '90s, and when they meet each other, they have to beat each other: Fox Mulder and Dana Scully (David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson, The X-Files) vs. Rick Hunter and Dee Dee McCall (Fred Dryer and Stepfanie Kramer, Hunter). Both are male-female TV cop teams with a ton of sexual tension that is only occasionally addressed. Will the '90s team pound the '80s back into the '70s, or will Football Fred and his Favorite Femme Flatten the Feds?



I am going to lean toward Hunter and McCall for the violence factor. McCall is the less violent of the two because she only kills a suspect every other week. Mulder and Scully are adequate at dealing with aliens and monsters, but they're not so well equipped to deal with violent gun-toting '80s sociopaths, not to mention big hair. (Not that Scully's hair is exactly timeless.) As Mulder is trying to explain the alien conspiracy behind the current conflict, Hunter shoots him. Works for me.

Grudge Match: Grudge M*A*S*H

It's a regular M*A*S*H-up as three characters from the early seasons team up to fight the three characters who were brought in to replace them. (With the first team, we're talking about the TV versions, not the original movie versions.)

Team One

Trapper John McIntyre (Wayne Rogers), Frank Burns (Larry Linville), Henry Blake (McLean Stevenson)




vs.

Team Two

B.J. Hunnicutt (Mike Farrell), Charles Winchester (David Ogden "Dropped after the pilot of Charlie's Angels" Stiers), Sherman Potter (Harry Morgan).




Hawkeye was originally going to be the referee, but both teams got so tired of his preaching about the evils of violence that they buried him under a pile of rocks that spelled out "GOODBYE." Now there is no referee and no rules, just two teams of three and a desperate desire to show who's really in charge at the 4077th.

Which set of sitcom surgeons will slaughter the second set?

Grudge Match: Glinda vs. the Blue Fairy

The otherwise placid, uneventful world of 1939-40 is rocked by war: a battle, wando-a-wando, between two smiling, didactic fairies: Glinda the Good Witch (Billie Burke, The Wizard of Oz) vs. The Blue Fairy (Pinocchio).

Both smile and laugh way too much. Both are sucked up to by the other characters. And both are basically sadistic creeps who take delight in putting kids through horrible torture in order to "teach them a lesson." (And as a bonus, they both seem perfectly happy to stand by happily while others suffer: Glinda apparently did nothing about the enslavement of the Munchkins, and the BF clearly has the ability to save those kids who got turned into donkeys and sold for slave labor, but she couldn't care less.) But which of these two evil, wand-wielding maniacs will out-zap the other?



I personally lean toward the BF here for sheer volume of cruelty. Glinda was an asshole for not telling Dorothy how to get home, but at least she didn't physically torture the girl herself, whereas the BF specializes in mutilating and mutating Pinocchio's body. Plus, because Glinda is vain about her looks, one elongated-nose spell will completely shut her down and prevent her from thinking clearly.

(We're talking here about the 1939-40 movie versions, rather than the books they're based on or other versions of the same stories.)

Grudge Match: Souled Spike vs. Wuss-Boy Angel

This one is mostly for Buffy the Vampire Slayer viewers. In the first three seasons of Buffy, it was widely believed that no vampire could possibly be a bigger wuss than Angel. When he went over to his own show, free from the emasculating influence of Buffy, he became less of a wuss. However, after Spike got a soul, he became just as wussy as Angel had been (and he'd been trending that way even before the ensoulment; simply having a crush on Buffy turns any vampire into a pathetic wimp). He, too, became less of a doormat after he was shoehorned into Angel.

So the question is, who would win a fight between these two vampires who have souls but no cojones: Angel from the early seasons of Buffy, or the souled Spike from the final season of Buffy?

Spike from the earlier seasons, or Angel from his own show, do not count here; it's just these specific versions of the characters fighting. Who will be better able to escape the curse of loving a WB network (or UPN, if you count that as a network) heroine?

(The only person who ever managed to love Buffy and not lose all trace of self-respect? Xander from the first couple of seasons. Even as the show's resident doofus, he was still cooler than Angel.)