Monday, August 23, 2004

Son of the Return of Grudge Matches I'd Like To See

Just wanted to add a couple of "grudge matches I'd like to see" that I left out of my last post:

Vegetarians vs. Non-Smokers
Scenario: Two adjoining convention rooms are booked for huge conventions: the Militant Anti-Smokers convention and the Militant Vegetarians' convention. At the Vegetarians' Convention, most of the members light up cigarettes. The smoke wafts into the ajoining room, and the Anti-Smokers pull aside the partition:
"Would you stop smoking?" says the leader of the Anti-Smoking convention. "You're ruining our big steak dinner."
"Steak!?" says the leader of the Vegetarians' Convention. "This means war!"
"So it does!"
Who wins an all-out war between equal numbers of militant anti-smoking activists (who eat meat) and militant vegetarian activists (who smoke)? On the one hand, the nonsmokers are far better at getting their way, as (here in Toronto anyway) they've banned smoking in bars, whereas vegetarians have not yet banned eating meat in restaurants. But on the other hand, militant vegetarians tend to be tougher and meaner, whereas the anti-smoking activists I've known tended to be strong-willed suburbanites, but suburbanites nonetheless.

David Copperfield vs. Pip
Battle of the Dickens heroes who narrate in the first person and are vaguely like Dickens himself. I'll give this one to Pip as he actually can fight, at least a little, and if it comes to backup, I'd be much more afraid of Magwich and Mrs. Joe than Betsey Trotwood and Barkis. However, Mrs. Joe might be so pissed off with Pip that she decides to fight on David's side, in which case it's over, as Mrs. Joe could take out both sides by herself.

Yokums (Li'l Abner) vs. Clampetts (Beverly Hillbillies)
The Yokums: Mammy Yokum, Pappy Yokum, Li'l Abner, and Daisy Mae, vs. The Clampetts: Jed Clampett, Granny, Ellie May and Jethro. At least two of the Yokums have vaguely supernatural abilities (Mammy and Abner), but Ellie May, who wrassles bears, is probably tougher than Daisy Mae, and Jethro, while basically useless, is basically impossible to knock out. Plus Granny is all kinds of mean and Jed is a great shot. I give this, just, to the Clampetts, and they get to go on to fight the Dukes (Bo, Luke, Uncle Jesse and Daisy) for control of the moonshine business.

Mega-Bambi vs. Godzilla
As we all know from the short film Bambi Meets Godzilla, the little Disney deer has no chance against the Terror of Tokyo. But what happens if Bambi is exposed to some Marvel Comics Radiation (tm) which causes him to grow as big as Godzilla? Now the size difference no longer exists, and its a fair fight. Who would win? I guess Godzilla still has the edge, but Bambi showed some toughness later in the movie, and if someone tells him that it was Godzilla who killed his mother, Bambi will have the RAGE (tm).

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