Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Grudge Matches I'd Like To See

To follow up on the previous post... a few years ago, I actually considered doing a sort of "Indie Grudge Match" site that would do matches that were too obscure for the WWWF Grudge Match. Foolishly, I dropped the idea and wound up blogging instead. But I thought I'd post about some of the pop-culture grudge matches I'd like to see:

Fred Astaire vs. Gene Kelly
The "Freddy vs. Jason" of movie-musical arguments. Kelly acts tougher and plays marginally tougher guys, but Astaire actually had a reasonably tough upbringing, plus he's got residual bad-assedness from playing the detective in that "Girl Hunt" ballet in The Band Wagon. I pick Astaire.

McBain vs. Monsignor Martinez
McBain, the German-accented action hero The Simpsons watch on TV, vs. Monsignor Martinez, the Mexican action hero the Hills watch on TV on King of the Hill. Martinez is smarter, and has a better catchphrase ("Vaya Con Dios"). But McBain wins when he becomes governor and has Martinez deported as an illegal immigrant.

Foghorn Leghorn vs. Chicken Boo
Battle of the giant chickens: Foghorn Leghorn vs. Chicken Boo (Animaniacs). I give this one to Boo, as he has a preturnatural ability to do just about anything -- ballet dancing, gunslinging, bear-fighting. His only weakness is that his advantages somehow evaporate when he's exposed as a chicken, but that won't hurt him when he's going up against another chicken. And really, all Foghorn knows how to do is hit someone's butt with a paddle.

Arturo Toscanini vs. Wilhelm Furtwangler
A battle of the great conductors, not as musicians, but as fighters. I would have to give this one to Toscanini, as Furtwangler's first instinct will be to co-operate with Toscanini and surrender in exchange for being allowed to make beautiful music. However, what's more interesting is their fighting styles. Based on their conducting styles, I assume that Toscanini would open with a series of direct punches, timed with almost metronomic regularity, while Furtwangler would dance around, stretch out certain punches endlessly and make other punches really fast.

M vs. The Chief
M (Bernard Lee, the James Bond movies) vs. The Chief (Edward Platt, Get Smart). Which long-suffering spy superior would win in a fight? I'd guess The Chief, since he has had to put up with much more from his agents than M ever did. But if M gets access to Q's weaponry, the whole Cone of Silence thing will be seriously overmatched.

Oscar Wilde vs. Noel Coward
No contest here. Wilde came up with The Picture of Dorian Gray and Salome while Noel Coward came up with "I'll See You Again" and a bunch of stories about an idyllic British colony called Samolo. Obviously Wilde had a much sicker mind, and his Hannibal Lecter-like twistedness will come to the fore as he torments Coward with various cynical epigrams.

I could go on, but fortunately for you, I won't. But if you have any other favorite Grudge Matches of your own...

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