Geek Break

I was never really very deeply into "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" fandom, mostly because of the romance stuff. Namely, my dislike of the romance stuff. Except for the "evil boyfriend" plot in season 2, which was funny/scary like the show was supposed to be, and the Xander/Cordelia hijinks in the aforementioned season, which was just plain funny, I thought most of the romances were a distraction from what should have been the main focus of the show (Buffy, her friends, and monsters as scary/funny metaphors for teen problems). When I realized that a great deal of talk about the show focused on who was "getting together" with who, and that the producers were starting to devote inordinate amounts of story time to non-funny, non-scary soap opera relationships, I knew that all I could do was sit and wait for the occasional romance-free episode.

Anyway, as an expression of my dislike for all things 'shippy ("'shipper," meaning someone who roots for particular characters to be together romantically, is not one of my favorite internet terms), I wrote a song during the show's final season to the tune of "Why Can't the English" from My Fair Lady. As a shameless attempt to cover for not having anything new to write today, I'm posting it here, with a few tweaks but with various geeky references intact (yes, I have the DVDs). Meanwhile, for some Buffy fandom that's more to my taste, I direct you again to "Boils and Blinding Torment," which includes this hilarious recap of one of that show's worst episodes.

HIGGINS
Look at her! No wonder I'm complaining!
You've not been conscientious in your training!
Her Slayer training clearly must have flagged,
Or she'd know that a monster should be killed, not shagged.
This is how a show that showed invention
Sinks to platitudinous pretention.

GILES: Oh, come sir, you exaggerate the problem.

HIGGINS: Do I?
Vampires dressed in basic black
Always get her in the sack;
It's become a stunning running joke.
Sir, do you think that's a waste?

CRITIC:
No; I'm a critic -- I've no taste.

HIGGINS:
Let's pretend this fellow never spoke.
In the episode called "Wrecked"
She necrophiliacally necked
Till the viewers felt a bit unwell.
If they're dead, girls love them so.
Wait, was Riley dead?

BUFFY:
No.

HIGGINS:
No?
Oh, sorry; it was sometimes hard to tell.
A slayer should not count among her goals
Vamping broody murderers with souls.

Why can't a watcher teach a slayer how to fight,
And not become romantic with creatures of the night?
If you slept, as she does, sir, with creatures who cause you pain,
Why, you might be shagging Ethan Rayne.

GILES: I beg your pardon, sir!

HIGGINS:
A slayer should be more focused, not a self-absorbed escapist.
A slayer should not be pining for her blond attempted rapist.
She once was amusing; now she only can moan and preach --
Oh, why can't a watcher learn to teach her that a slayer is one of a long line of lifelong vampophobes?
Poor Kendra would never nibble Angel's lobes.
Yet Buffy's all over a vampire who constantly disrobes.
She must have misread your Time-Life book on anal probes.
Why can't a watcher teach a slayer how to fight,
And not to give a damn if a vampire's pants are tight?
To vomit, like me, when Spike has nary a shirt in sight --
The network doesn't care what Spike does, actually, as long as his shirt is off.
The scripts are a little silly, and the camerawork is weakish,
But what can a show expect when it becomes so Dawson's Creek-ish?
So keep her away from any murderous beast with pecs,
Oh, why can't a watcher,
Why can't a watcher
Teach
Sane
Sex?